Let's Be Us Again
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Mulder and Scully finally talk about trust, betrayal, and Diana. This has nothing to do with the song.


Disclaimer: I do not own them. If I did, the show would have just been fluff. Like cotton candy, seriously.

Spoilers: Through Arcadia

A/N: I love Arcadia, no matter who hates it and thinks that they were totally out of character. Of course they were. That was the point. Geez. Anyway, I wondered why Scully was "hands-off, I'll kill you in your sleep" in the first part of the episode, then normal in the last half. Obviously something had to have happened between "Third warning toilet seat" and her almost giving him a lobotomy with that fireplace poker. By the way, anyone know why they were sharing a bathroom in a house that more than likely had 2 bathrooms? And why they were sharing toothpaste? And why she had already had to warn him 3 times about the toilet seat? Maybe she did want to play house... WARNING: there is a freakishly large amount of dialogue in here. Just sayin'.

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Mulder rolled over again and thumped his pillow into submission. Even his couch was better than this air mattress. His couch didn't squeak and bounce like he was sleeping on a fat rabbit. It had taken 20 minutes to blow-up the blasted thing and he'd rather just sleep on the floor.

He lay on his back, tightening and relaxing all of his muscles, hoping that would help. It didn't. All he could think of was Scully sprawled across that huge bed in the next room, sleeping with a smile on her face, thinking up ways to push him away again tomorrow. He sighed to himself and grimaced at the idea. He knew why she was distancing herself. It was because of Diana, and his reaction to Diana. Or maybe it was his lack of reaction. Either way, Scully was mad about something he couldn't change. They were partners, and she knew that. It hadn't changed.

He sighed again. Maybe it had. Maybe they weren't the kind of partners they used to be. He had a hard time reading her recently. Some days he couldn't tell what kind of mood she was in until noon. It used to take him less than a minute to decipher what she was feeling at any given time. Thing weren't going well.

He stood up from the mattress, if it was even worthy of being called that, and rolled his neck until it popped. He was never going to get to sleep tonight if he didn't get this business resolved. Tiptoeing out of the bedroom, he walked down the hall a little bit and noticed that Scully's door was still slightly open. That surprised him. He hadn't left it open earlier. He distinctly remembered closing it. She would have had to make a point of opening it again.

He stepped inside and found her just as he suspected, taking up the whole bed and looking for all the world like a tiny bear in hibernation. He almost thought it was cute, but was too frustrated to even stare at her for a moment.

"Scully," he started, a little louder than he had intended.

"What?" she whined, not moving.

"We need to talk."

"Now?"

"Yeah," he said, flicking on the light. "I can't sleep until we do."

"So by default neither can I? Mulder, turn the light off, and go back to bed."

"No, we need to talk."

She groaned loudly into her pillow.

"Mulder, please can we do this in the morning?"

"No."

She sighed long and loud.

"At least turn the light off. It's giving me a headache."

He obeyed and sat down on the end of the bed. The moonlight coming in the window was making him look old and tired and Scully looked at him in a way she hadn't in a long time. She looked at him with compassion. He could barely see it in the semi-darkness, but he could feel it.

"Scully, is the thrill really gone?"

"What are you talking about, Mulder?" she asked, rubbing her eyes and yawning, resigned to the fact that she probably wasn't going to go back to sleep for awhile.

"Do you remember when we first started working together?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember what a rush it was to solve cases? Remember how exciting it was to come to conclusions that we could both live with, even though we believed different things? Do you remember the discoveries and how accomplished we'd feel at the end of a case?"

"Of course I remember that, Mulder."

"We don't have that anymore. We never celebrate solving cases. We don't spend hours debating theories. We rarely come to the same conclusions. I miss it, Scully."

"Mulder, people change. Situations change. You can't go back to the way things were."

"What about our friendship, Scully? We never talk anymore."

"We never talked, Mulder."

"Yes we did. After your cancer and Emily, we talked all the time."

She sighed as he crawled across the bed and lay down next to her.

"Remember, Scully?"

She rolled over to face him.

"Yeah, I remember."

"What happened? A year ago, this case would have been fun, but now it's like torture for you. Am I really that bad? Do you hate me that much?"

"I don't hate you."

"Well what happened?"

"You know exactly what happened."

"What, Diana?"

"Not just Diana, Mulder. You telling me that you didn't want me around. Our big fight that we never discussed. All of our fights that we never discuss. Maybe Diana was a big part of it, but it's not entirely her fault. She was just a catalyst. And while I still hate her, and I still think she's pretty proud of herself for being said catalyst, we're the ones who are to blame for all of this."

"Scully, when did I tell you that I didn't want you around?"

"You didn't say it in that many words, but when I couldn't bring you the evidence you wanted, you acted like I had betrayed you. That hurt Mulder. You know I would never betray you."

"I know. And I would never betray you either."

"But you have. Every time you take her side over mine, you betray me. And I'm not saying that just to be jealous or anything. It's not really about you taking her side as much as it's about you not listening to me. And then when you actually do listen, you dismiss me like I'm a little kid. I deserve more than that and you know it."

"You do deserve more. I'm sorry."

"Why have you been so angry lately? I mean, I know why, but why are you directing all that anger on me? You're nicer to Skinner than you are to me. And you're definitely nicer to Diana that you are to anyone."

"I know."

"You can only have one woman in your life, Mulder. It's not fair to her or to me to keep both of us. If you want to be with her, then I'll support you as your friend, but I can't be such a big part of your life anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because it's personal, just like you said it was. The nature of our job is such that I cannot at any minute think you're going to choose someone else over me. I have to know that you have my back at all times, just like I have yours. Our friendship outside of work is the same. When it comes to women, a man cannot have two best friends. If she's going to take that place in your life, I need to know."

"She's not, Scully. And why would you even support that if you hate her so much?"

"Because, there's no point in telling you it's wrong anymore. You don't want to hear it. The only thing that I can do is make sure that you know that I'll always be there for you, no matter what. That I'll never say I told you so, and you'll never have to be ashamed when you find out what she really is."

"I don't think she's as bad as you think she is."

"That's fine. But as long as you trust her, I can't trust you."

"You really think I would hurt you, Scully?"

She was quiet for a moment, biting her lip.

"Yes, I do."

His breath left him in a whoosh and he stared at the ceiling.

"I'm pretty sure you would never do it purposefully, but they know the best way to throw you off track is by doing something to me. Who knows, the next time you see her, she could tell you all sorts of lies about me and you'd believe them. I know you'd believe them because you don't trust me either."

As emotional and as hard as it was to say, she was managing to stay almost clinical. She wasn't going to cry over it. She'd cried enough in the past few months.

"I do trust you."

"How vehemently would you defend me if she told you something like that? What if she told you that I was spying on you, or that I was the one who burned down the office? Would you defend me at all or would you believe her because it's easier?"

"I would defend you, Scully."

"Because you wouldn't believe her, right?"

"Yes."

"Then why do you believe her when she says that she's here to help you, even when you're presented with evidence to the contrary?"

He was quiet.

"I don't want to believe those things about her."

"Why not? Mulder, she could destroy your life's work. For all we know, she already has. It doesn't matter what kind of connection you two had. That was a long time ago, you haven't seen her or talked to her in years, and suddenly she's back in town and all this crap starts happening and you have too many stars in your eyes to believe that she might have something to do with it. Why is that? Why, at the time when you should be the most critical and paranoid, your put on your naïve costume? Why, when you should be standing up for yourself and questioning everything, do you parade around like an injured puppy? Why are you letting them break you?" she started to cry as the words tumbled out. "Why can't I be proud of you anymore?"

He let her words sink in slowly as he pulled her to him. Her questions hurt deeply, but he needed to comfort her before focusing on that. She buried her face in his chest, and soon he could feel a slender arm snake around his waist.

"I feel like we don't even know each other anymore and that scares me. If you don't know me, then who does? You're not there anymore when I need you and I feel alone all the time, which I hate because I am much too independent for that kind of thing. And you can't even tell how I'm feeling. You have no idea. Diana showed up, and you were just gone Mulder. Totally checked out."

"I never meant for that to happen. I don't think I even knew it was happening. You know I would never abandon you, right?"

"Mulder."

"I said abandon, not ditch."

"What if she asked you to?"

"I wouldn't do it. You're my partner and my best friend, by choice or otherwise."

She pulled back from him a little and wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down like that."

"It's alright, Scully."

"I guess I didn't realize how much I missed you."

"I won't do it again, I promise. I didn't set out to hurt you."

"Maybe you shouldn't set out to win the lottery because you're really good at stuff you don't mean to do."

He knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but it struck a chord.

"Can you forgive me, Scully?"

"Of course I can."

"I didn't know it bothered you so much."

"Mulder, it would be like me hobnobbing with Jeffrey Spender, or Alex Krycek."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

"I'm really, really, really sorry."

"You'd better be."

He tipped her chin up and wiped the tears off of her face, then kissed her forehead sweetly.

"I know we can't fix all of this tonight, but I'm going to do everything I can to earn your trust again."

"At least run things by me. And don't pick her over me anymore. She broke your heart and ran away to Europe without warning, without leaving a note. I hate her for hurting you like that. I would kill her for it if I could. You never did anything to deserve that."

"You're right, I didn't."

"I'm sorry for saying all those things to you," she apologized, finally letting her body relax into his a little.

"Don't be. They hurt, but they were the truth, and I want to fix them."

She nodded and yawned.

"I'm sorry for waking you."

She shook her head.

"It was important. I'm glad you did."

He kissed her forehead again, their symbol of understanding and support.

"Why don't you stay in here tonight? No sense in making you move again. Besides, that air mattress must be uncomfortable."

"It is."

"Okay. Then stay here."

He nodded and let her go for a moment so he could get under the covers. Once he was situated again, she scooted over to him and tangled her feet up with his. She started to giggle after a moment.

"What?"

"Baby cats, Mulder?"

"Poopy-head, Scully?"

"It's just the kindergarten term for what I was really thinking."

"Touché."

She grinned as he gently rubbed her back.

"I think that as soon as we solve this case, we should go back home and spend a weekend doing all the things we haven't done in a while."

"You mean like watch all three Godfathers in one sitting?" she asked, her eyebrows lifting.

"Yeah. And it's been a long time since we've talked about non-work things. You still won't tell me about your first kiss."

"Go to sleep, Mulder."

"Come on, Scully! Please?"

"I'll tell you someday, I promise. Now go to sleep."

He smiled, pressed his lips to her forehead one more time, and drifted off to sleep.

Maybe nothing had been resolved, but the lines of communication and trust were open again. That was always their biggest hurdle after even the shortest of estrangements. Tomorrow they would start fresh. Maybe they would never be the same as they were before the events of the last nine months, but maybe they would be stronger instead.

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A/N: Does it need another chapter? 'Cuz I can totally do that...


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